?

Good news - mid-year exam's over.

Bad news - I'm gonna flunk all of them.



I finally finished chapter 1 of my story after abandoning it for so long. And, I found my diary which I've also abandoned for more than a year. Feels good writing again. Story and song writing - amazing. I didn't know that it'll be so addictive.

I can't wait for the holidays to come. Not that I'll be going anywhere or doing much. So many lessons to attend to, and I only get to spend 2 nights with my relatives in Juru cause I couldn't go back earlier. Sobs.

Nothing much to blog about. I'm lazy, heh. Oh, btw, today was the last day of exams. Guess what time did I wake up? I have to be in school by 7.30am. I woke up only at 7.19am. Overslept much. Thank goodness mum woke up just in time. Literally jumped out of bed yelling ''OMG, SHIT!'' right infront of my mum. Gosh. Tomorrow's Wesak Day, which also means holiday! Yays. Okay. I'm really tired now. Nites everyone. And Happy Wesak Day.

-Nic-

Now..

...where's that gun when I need it?

I screwed up. I'm SO dead now. Gah. Seriously, did I just get dumber and stupider? I'm probably gonna get last in class now. Stupid. Couz asked me who did I want to shoot with the gun, and I said there are a few people on my list, but the one right that the top says 'NICOLE CHAN'. Which is true. I really should shoot myself for being such an idiot.

Finished two songs this week. DURING EXAM. Which probably shows what a good student I am. Writing songs during exam. Huh. And, I wasn't even done with my paper yet. I just couldn't crack an answer out, so I decided to continue writing my song instead. Then, when I finally thought of some answer to crap in, I'll resume my paper. Damn, I'm gonna fail realy bad.

12 down, 10 more to go.

-Nic-

Exams

It's already started. Damn you, exams. 10 days, a total of 22 papers, thanks to chinese.

I'm still looking for that shotgun I always talk about. I mean, if I think of it, imagine it and dream of it so much, it should be somewhere here, right? Then where the hell is it??! I need that gun now. Sighs. I screwed up todays papers. Dammit.

2 down, 20 more to go.

-Nic-

Attack of the Laziness

It feels weird going back to school after a whole week of unofficial break. I feel so much more lazier these days. I don't even feel like dragging myself out of bed in the morning like I used to. I'll just lie there for 5 minutes, and another 5 minutes, and another 5 minutes...until it's late. Which probably explains why I'm always almost late to school these few weeks. I just got lazier. That's all. Good thing my house is near to the school. I could start wearing my shoes at 7.25am, walk out of the gate at 7.27 or 7.28am, and still make it to school in time. There were a few times when the last bell rang the moment I stepped in. Hah. If only my house was a lil bit more nearer. Then, instead of walking 17 houses to get there, the distance would be much shorter. Then, I'll get to sleep longer or laze around the house for another minute.

Homeworks. Ugh. The hell to the person who invented homeworks. Do rot in piss. Do you have the slightest idea how much stress and trouble you've cause us people? Do you? DO YOU??! I hate you.

Exams are starting soon. And by soon, I mean this Friday. Pfft. 22 papers to sit for, 10 days of heaven and hell. Heaven, cause I don't have to torture my poor back by carrying an elephant up 4 floors everyday. And, there won't be classes. Well, at least, not much. Teachers won't have time to teach. Hell? Cause they're exams. And I have to study my ass off if I don't wanna fail again this term. I really really really don't want to fail. I don't mind getting a mere 40 to pass. Just, PLEASE, don't let me fail again. Dear Lord, please. If you could hear me, I don't wanna fail. Not only will D give me a nice knock on the head (which would probably result in me getting dumber, thus increasing the chances of me failing more subjects in the future, which I think, is not a very smart way to make us pass), I'll probably shoot myself in the head if I fail again. Then, it'll be bye-bye beautiful yet horribly polluted world for me. And, I haven't really started studying yet. Just great. I'll probably have to get that shotgun this weekend. Need to get things ready.

I can't wait for the holidays to come. I really really really miss my cousins now. I so wanna go back there. I wonder what would things be like if I hadn't joined choir in form 1. Would my schedule be this hectic? Join, a lil bit regret. Don't join, a regret so huge that it'll last me 2 lifetimes. So how? A lil bit regret better right? If I can survive this, I'll definitely survive the outside world and whatever boss I might have in the future, be it bossy, annoying, humble, nice, kind, stupid, ridiculous or anything. Unless I be my own boss. Haha. No way is that ever going to happen. I'll probably bancrupt the whole company in less than 3 months.

Oh, uncle said that he'll teach me how to drive when I go back! YAY! I love you so so so much dear uncle!

-Nic-

-

I'm really really really grateful for having such amazing people around me. Thanks everyone for the support and all. I really appreciate it. You guys remind me that I'm not alone in this, and that you'll always be there for me, no matter what happens.

I was just thinking the other day, when I went out with all my cousins for a movie: Why do I love them?

Why do I love my family?
Cause I know that I can always count on them.

Why do I love my friends?
Cause they're always there for me, no matter how far they are.

Why do I love these people in the car?
Cause they're such awesome people who never fails to make my laugh.

Why do I love them all?
Cause I just do.

Don't worry people. I'm fine, really. Of course, not 100% yet. But, as time passes, I'll learn how to move on. I'm already healing anyway. Still, thanks for the concerns and all. I love you people.

-Nic-

We love you, Grandma. I love you.

One week ago..

She collapsed. They sent her to the hospital immediately. Everyone was worried, but they said it's okay. She'll be fine.



A few days later..

She collapsed again. This time, in the hospital. He couldn't even finish one sentence without breaking down. As a son, he was worried sick. As for us, there was nothing we can do. We had so many on our hands. We couldn't just throw everything and leave.



Thursday..

"We're going back this Saturday. It's Labour Day, that's the only day all of us could go."
"We are?" But, I have choir..
"Yes, why? You got things to do?"
"Uh..not really. I guess." Choir, or Juru?
"If you don't want to go, it's okay. You can stay here and take care of Twinkle and Bell."
"Do you want me to go?"
"Up to you."
"Is Daddy going?"
"Most probably. Do you want to go or not?"

Should I go? I haven't seen our coach in a while, and she just got back from that country. But, if I don't go, I might never..I mean, I might regret. Should I?

Goes on debating in the head. And, finally,

"Okay. I'll go."



Saturday

It was a long journey. Stupid sun was burning my skin. Since I couldn't drive, I spent most of the time sleeping at the back of the car. Finally reached around noon. They took us to the hospital to see her. Everyone had a mask to avoid getting H1N1. Stupid virus.

The lift slowly went up. The only sound in there was the computerised voice. We finally stepped out. When was the last time I stepped into a hospital? 1 year? 2 years? 3? 4? I couldn't remember. It's been a long time. We walked down rows of beds with patients on it. They looked so sad. Why? Cause they're leaving soon? Or they're just really really sad? We finally came to the ICU. The moment I saw her, I didn't know what to do. Even opening the door seemed like an alienated action to me. I don't remember how, but we were already in the room, next to her bed.

"Ma, can you hear me? We're here already. Ah Nee and Ah Chan are here. Can you see them?"
She kept shaking her head from side to side. Is that a yes? Or no?
"Nah, Nadine's here too. And Nicole. Can you see them or not? Faster call Ah Ma."
Mumbles.
"Call louder. She cannot hear you."
"Ah Ma." Can she hear us? I can't even hear myself. I can't even breathe. I..
Stares at us and shakes her head again.
"Don't stand too close. Give her some space."

I didn't know what to do. She looked to weak and fragile. As if the slightest movement would break her into half. Was she always so tiny?

We spent some time with her, and left later.

In the evening, the older ones went. We, the younger ones, stayed at home to watch tv. They didn't want us going to the hospital too ofter. Not a good place to go to, they said. So we ended up watching 5 movies non-stop. Arahan, Avatar, Imagine That, All's Well Ends Well, Little Soldier. They came back for dinner. We couldn't sleep that night. At least, I couldn't.



Sunday

Most of them went out for breakfast. I didn't go cause I slept real late that night. I needed some rest. After they came back, after lunch, after packing, after everything, we went to visit her again.

Some of us stayed in the car. They didn't want us to go in again. Too many germs. So we ended up eating ice creams and joking. Then, the phone rang. She went up first while we stayed. After a while, they came down and took us in. I kept praying that I don't have to go in. Cause if I don't have to go and see her, it means she's still fine. She'll come home. I'll see her at home. If they came for us..

We wore our masks and went in. I kept hugging myself in the lift. Please let her be okay. Please. Just let her be okay. I believe in miracles. Please just let it happen this once in my life. Please. Let her be okay. Please.

But she was not okay. She couldn't breathe right. They had an oxygen mask on her. She couldn't even open her eyes. The only word she said was "Oh". That's all. No shoutings, no nothing. Just "oh". We left. Stopped by in Kampar for dinner as it was late. Throughout the journey, I kept hoping that the phone wouldn't ring. I was dead tired. So sleepy. But each time one of our phones rang, I'll be wide awake. Alert. There was no way I could sleep. The phones rang a few times. But it wasn't about her. Just friends calling. Just work calling.

But, finally, it rang.

"Your grandma passed away."

It took me a while to understand those simple words. Your grandma passed away. Your grandma passed away. Your grandma passed away. Your grandma..

Passed away? As in, dead? Gone? Forever? No..she's..she's..

...dead.

That's it. She's dead. Gone. Grandma's gone. It kept repeating itself in my head. I was the last to cry. It sure took me some time to realise that she's really gone. We were cold. The car was cold. I was cold, in and out. Fingers started dialling numbers to let others know. The only word I could say to them was "She's gone". That's all. Nothing else.

The rest of the journey back was just quiet. Nobody felt like joking anymore. She's gone.

We finally reached home. Just before I went in the house, he asked,

"How's your grandmother?"
"She's gone." Whispers. That's all I could manage.
"I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Wait ah, I'm coming out."
Waits.
"Okay. What did you say?"
"She's gone. She passed away just now." Choked words coming out in pieces. So broken. We were broken. I was broken.

That night was the night I finally cried myself to sleep after so many years. Eversince Bobo died. 11 years? 12 years? It's been a long time.




It's really amazing what the human face can do. All you have to do is put on a mask and tell yourself to act like a pro. Or course, that comes with practise. I didn't cry anymore. Maybe I finished all my tears last night. Maybe I just used up buckets of tears since the phone rang. That's why there's no more left. I couldn't cry anymore. Each time I think about her, I'll cry. But that was last night. Before I slept and woke up with tear stains on my face. That night, just the word 'Ah Ma', 'dead', 'sick', 'gone' was able to send me crying for hours. I woke up earlier and practised infront of the mirror, repeating the words over and over again. Why? Trying to control my emotions. I can't go bursting in tears while I'm in school just because of one word. People would think that I'm a lunatic. It wasn't that hard, really. Just some practise, and I had it. Just put on that mask, and walk out to face the world. It's just that simple.

I actually managed to smile and laugh in school despite the aching hole inside of me. Thanks to my friends, who would always make me laugh everyday. They're probably the reason I've lasted this long in school. I might have to thank them one day for making me live longer. Laughter is a good medicine. Went through the whole day in school without shedding a tear. I'm really proud of myself. I never thought that I would last that long. I almost broke down when she asked me again this morning if I was okay. But I didn't. I almost cried again when teacher mentioned the word 'dead' during Bio. But I didn't. I almost cried when I had to tell the teachers why I couldn't come the whole week. But I didn't. I didn't know that I could actually hold in that long. I didn't even break the sentences.

" I have to go back for the whole week. My grandma passed away yesterday evening. I won't be able to come."

And when people offered their condolences, I just smiled and said 'thank you' or 'it's okay'. When they asked me if I'm really okay, " yeah, I'm fine. Really. Don't have to worry bout me." Boy, I'm good at this.

This is just the beginning. Many people are growing old around me. They'll be gone too one day, and it'll all happen again. Unless I'm gone before them. Maybe a car would just run over me the moment I step out of the gate. Or a piece of the satellite from space might just break off and drop on my head. Who knows. You won't know when death will visit. Until then, I'll just have to put on that same mask each time it happens.



If I hadn't went back that day, I'll probably hate myself til the day I die. She was the best grandmother one could ever have. A grandmother who was so caring and loved everyone in the family so much, equally.

When I was a month old, she actually took a bus all the way from Penang to KL, just to see me and attend the celebration they had for me. She was so sick, pale, green, and sick. But she came. She actually came, when so many didn't. They all came, all the way, just for me. They actually cared for me and my family enough to come. During my birthday, she fed me a chicken drumstick. I know, cause I still have that picture. When we were staying in Penang, she wouldn't mind if I messed up her knitting stuff. She'll just scold us gently and laugh at us. She never hit me. She was always there for us. When she had the stroke, she couldn't walk or talk at first. But she got better. Soon, she could walk real fast with the tongkat and talk real loud. Sad thing is, she was bad tempered. According to the doctor, she was the bad tempered kind of stroke patient. Maybe cause she felt useless and angry. Angry that she was sick. Useless because she couldn't walk freely on her own anymore. She used to travel around alot. She was so daring that she could just take a bus to KL without informing any of her kids, asking strangers for directions. Doing anything just to see us.

I really wanted to celebrate her birthday again this year. I never thought that this day would come so soon. It never crossed my mind. She was so strong during CNY. It was just a while. No more singing and story-telling from her. No more jokes. No more laughter. No more mischievous acts. No more.

87 years. At least she's lived for 87 years. Born in China, spent months on the boat to come to Malaysia with her sisters. She was just 12, and she was struggling so hard for survival. Why? World War II. She was here during the war. Hiding in the forest, eating trees and roots, running from the soldiers, to survive. She finally got married in 1947, and had my aunt the year after that. It's been 87 years. I'd say she lived it well.

At least she's not suffering anymore. Maybe she's already with grandpa up above. I've never even seen grandpa before. He was gone way before I was born. But, I know he's loving. And I know that they're now happy together, watching over us. Rest in peace, grandma.

Appreciate your loved ones and always treasure them, for you'll never know when they'll leave us.

We love you, Grandma. I love you.

-Nic-