Craps

Tomorrow's the last day of school. Somewhere deep down, inside of me, there's a voice telling me to go. But, as usual, the devil always wins. I'll be skipping school tomorrow, just as I did today. I don't see the point in going to school if we're not gonna do anything there. I mean, Talentime just finished on Wednesday. That activity is like, the highlight of the year, the one that marks the end of school for us. Since it's over already, what more is there for us to do in school besides sit and rot for 6 freaking hours? Sure, it won't be so bad if you have friends there to talk to. But, most of mine already self declared their holidays a long time ago. There's still a few more who still attend school regularly (in which I really admire their school spirit), but, hey, I'd rather sleep at home for a few more hours. Besides, I really need those sleep. I still feel lifeless after so many days.

Anyway, everyone's talking bout themselves now that the school days are comiong to an end for 2009. So, I shall talk bout mine too. Heh.

Wait, I just remembered something. I don't really have anything to talk about. Seriously. See how lifeless I am? Okay, if I make an effort and search my brain, maybe I'll come up with something.






































Searching..







































Searching..


















































Still searching..


















































You know, if you're bored..


































You should probably leave now..






































'Cause I'm a really really boring person..










































And whatever crap you're about to read later would just be boring anyway..













































Seriously.







































Okay, I'll just talk about what I think about myself then, since I have nothing to talk about but still want to crap about something. Get what I mean? I think you do. If you don't, nevermind then. I'm just crapping anyway.

So, spent some time thinking bout my past these few days. (Yes, these few days, cause I was freaking bored) And, I realised, that all these while, when I actually complained and criticized others, I'm actually talking about myself. Well, I didn't realise that when I was doing it, but I do now, when I think about it. I've always thought that I was the independent and mature one. But, the truth is, I'm not. There was so many times when I had to depend on others more than I should. There were so many times when I wanted to do things on my own but ended up asking others to do it for me. When I see others acting childishly, I'll hate it. Don't get me wrong here, I don't really hate people. I just, dislike, their attitude. I don't like it when people tend to act or think as if they're still in kindy or primary. But then, thinking of some things that I did, I was the one who acted childishly. I was one of those people whose attitudes I hated (dislike). I was the childish one. There were also times when I laughed at others who acted stupidly in certain situations. Yes, I laughed. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, I was rolling on the floor and laughing so hard that tears came out of my eyes. Get what I mean? I'm not such a nice person after all, am I? I'm not the person that everyone thinks I am. Like I've mentioned probably a hundred times before, I'm unpredictable. And I wear a mask, probably for everyday of my life. Though I sometimes take it off and be the real me, most of the time it's on my face, there, faking everything. Not that I want to be a faker. I really do want to be myself. In fact, I enjoy being myself. Unfortunately, those moments are realy short. And I can only enjoy it sometimes when I'm with the right people. Feel like I'm a stranger now? You probably would. I admit that I do hate people who are rude and bitchy. But, fact is, I actually hate them because I hate the devil in me. I hate the bitch in me that sometimes takes over and control my mind. Remember those times when I'm sarcastic or mean and say hurtful things? Yeah. Those are the times when the devil/bitch is out. I try real hard to control myself, but sometimes I just slip. Pfft. I don't even know what am I crapping about. Anyway, long story short, I'm not exactly the angelic sweetheart you think I am. I'm actually the bitch that everyone hates. It's just that I do a good job at hiding and controlling myself. If I didn't, I'd probably be on everyone's Hate List by now. Yes. I'm actually that bad. Hard to believe? Maybe. Anyway, I sometimes feel like I'm just like those loner you see in movies. The one who doesn't seem to fit in anywhere no matter how hard she tries. It's kinda scary sometimes, cause you don't know who to turn to when you need a person to talk to. So, my sometimes loner attitude has resulted in me writing songs and picking up old Harper who I've abandoned for such a long time. Surprisingly, it helps. Writing what I feel and what I think into songs and singing them, makes me feel much better. =)

Crap. Wasn't I supposed to talk about my school life? Okay. School. Besides the fact that the school rules and some of the teachers really get on my nerves sometimes, everything is just awesome. Especially the friends. They really make me happy. Without them, I'll probably drop to my knees and beg my mum to let me be home schooled. See how lonely I am? Or, how BORING I am? Hah. Okay. School. I got a 'C' for st john this year cause I wasn't really active in it. Skipped duties and stuff. So, yeah. I kinda deserved that 'C'. Got a 'B' for rumah hijau. Not bad. I got a 'C' last year. Heh. And, best of all, 'A' for choir. Really happy with that. I mean, this whole year, it has always been choir, choir, choir and CHOIR. Though I sometimes wish that I could quit, I still love it. Not just the trainings, but also the leaders, the coaches, the FAMILY.

Ah, cut the crap. Mum's screaming at me to go to sleep. It's already 1.04am. Bye people.

-Nic-