If I Could Be Drunk

At times like this, I really wish that there's something I could do to make myself feel better. Not that I deserve it anyway. But honestly, I'm a failure. I'm really disappointed with myself. You know, most people usually just drink and drink and DRINK til they're completely drunk and puke. They don't even care about what they're doing. They don't even know what they're doing. I don't think they even notice anything around them anymore after they're drunk. I have to admit it, I kinda admire these people sometimes. They're brave enough to get so drunked that they can embarass themselves infront of millions of people and not know or give a damn thought about it. Though, I hate people who drink like there's no tomorrow. I hate drinkers. Well, maybe not hate, dislike, perhaps? But the point, at least they have something to drown their sorrows in. I have nothing. Piano doesn't really work that much for me anymore. It still helps, most of the time. When I can slam and play whatever I feel like playing. How I feel, my hands play it. Unfortunately, I can only do that when there's nobody else at home besides me or my sis. She doesn't know what I'm playing, so who cares. She thinks that it's one of my new pieces everytime I play a different song. Which is a good thing. At least she won't go running off telling mum that something's wrong with me. Guitar doesn't help much. I'll probably end up breaking some strings and owe my mum a HUGE explanation.

Call me crazy, but I do wish there's some liqour for me to drink now. Too bad, there's only dad's Stout and my Shandy. I don't really like drinking beer. They taste really horrible. I don't know why people like them so much. Drunkards drink beer when they're sad. I wonder why. Does drowning your sorrow and bitterness with bitter beer really make you feel better? At least Shandy has lemon in it. And now they have more flavours. I currently have raspberry, peach and lemon flavour in the fridge. But those can make me forget anything. They just taste nice, that's all. I drink them for fun. It's not like they really cause any problems to my health, besides the fact that there's less than 1% of alcohol in it. Mum said I got drunk when I was still small because I drank too much beer. I only remembered drinking a few sips from the uncle's cans during CNY. I definitely don't remember getting drunk. Besides, how can a kid who still attends kindy get drunk?

To make things worse, I still have to put on a happy face tonight during ballet. Sighs. I can't really blame anyone. Really. It's all my fault. I'm the one who didn't make an effort to do anything. I'm the one who made what I am today. I'm the one who made the lazy ass I am today. I guess I should really start to study now. Hah. How many times have you all heard me say that? Ten? Twenty? Hundred? Thousand? I don't know either. I keep saying it, but I never do it. I wonder what's wrong with me. I wasn't like this. I used to be a better student. I used to do all my school work and hand it in on time. Well, not always. But I do get them done and give it to teacher either on the exact date or a few days later. Not more than a couple of days I think. Maybe the teachers in primary were more strict. Maybe that's why I used to be good. Honestly, I'm not improving. I'm getting worse. Even my chinese was much better back then in primary. Now, it's just, blargh. All my essays are just like a piece of shit. They don't make any sense. The words are full of mistakes. Heck, I'm doing mistakes that I don't do when I was younger. I make more and more mistakes now. I've forgotten everything I've learnt. Even my english's getting worse, especially my paper 2. What a disappoitment I am. Sighs. I'm hopeless.

-Nic-