.

I'm really starting to have second thoughts in probably every single decision I've made now. Like, seriously. What in the world was I thinking when I picked up the pen and wrote on that paper and signed my name and handed it in? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I don't have any of those qualities in me. Why did I do it? Thinking now, did I make the right decision? Looking at them, I feel so useless. Why can't I be more like them? I can talk and communicate with my friends, but why is it so hard for me to talk to others? They ARE my friends too, but, there's just that feeling in me that makes me feel so nervous and shaky. I thought that I could do it. I really thought that I could. I mean, I've tried it before. Those little kids were so easy and I had no stress at all with them though they sometimes don't understand what I say. But, they're just kids. It's okay if they don't understand. Piano is harder, right? There's the fingerings and all to learn. Then why do I have little problem with them but such a huge problem with what I'm supposed to do now? I'm not really doing anything and I feel stressed. Yes. STRESSED. Why? I don't know. I'm not doing anything. I'm just the stupid one who can't seem to do anything right. Then WHY AM I STRESSING OUT??? I have no freaking reasons to feel stressed. Each time I'm told to do something, I'll end up not doing it because they are so much more better at it that I am. Really. I look up to them alot. I really admire their courage and all. Ever since form 1, they've been like role models to me. It's like they've been born to do all those stuff. They've accomplished so many things. I'm already form 4, and what have I accomplished through these years? Nothing. Nothing at all. I feel so useless. Really. If I can't even trust myself, how can I expect others to trust me? Where the hell did all my confidence go? I seriously don't feel confident at all talking to everyone. It's like, ugh. I've never been so insecure and worried about my words after such a long time. Why must it happen now? Of all the time to lose my confidence and boldness, WHY NOW? Now, when I need it the most? I've already tried my best to forget about what happened in the past, and I did it. I made it. But, ever since then, I've been really careful with almost every single word that comes out of my mouth, because I don't want history to repeat again. I've already hurt one person so deeply because of my big mouth, and I don't want to do it again. I've been really careful. But, being careful doesn't mean I can't be the old happy me. Doesn't mean I can't be talkative and crazy and fun. I used to be, and I still am. But, why do I feel like it's slowly sinking away? I keep remembering the same stupid incident. UGH.

It's like I'm starting to isolate myself again. WHY? Where the hell did the person in me go? God. Where are those stars when I need them?

-Nic-

Weirdo

I seriously wouldn't mind staying back for chinese lessons if we're gonna study in the MPB everytime. Heh. But then, there's always the good and bad side. Good thing is, the room is much more comfortable than our usual stuffy classrooms. And, there're air-cons! =) Bad thing is, I tend to fall asleep easily when I get too comfortable. Sighs.

Anyway, I felt really, really restless today. I have no idea why. Was jumping and skipping around. Yeah, weirdo, yes. I tend to get all hyped up out of the blue and start jumping like some maniac for no reason. So, don't mind me when I do that infront of you. You all should be used to it by now, right?

Anyhoo..MABELLLL! I wanna meet them tooooooooooo!!!!! =(

-Nic-

Sick.

My sore-throat is getting worse. Argh. CNY is like, in about 2 weeks? Sobs. I don't want to be sick during CNY. Anyway, thanks again everyone for everything. You all really make me feel appreciated. And, in a way, you let me know that there are people out there who are concious about my existence in this world. I'm not completely invisible. Thank you. =)

Just came back from add maths tuition, and I had no idea what did I do there. Couldn't really concentrate, with the headache and all. Sighs. I'm gonna fail my exams.

Anyway, these guys are really amazing la.



Note: the guys in the video are the same person. Amzing right? Sam's voice is like, WOW. And, that Kurt is a genius. Wish I could meet them.



He sings, acts and plays the piano. Not to mention cute.! *melts*

-Nic-

Awesome.

I really hope that my wish comes true

Had an early celebration with the people I love yesterday. It's really great seeing them again after so long. More than a year, I think. Thank you, for giving me another memorable night to keep forever. You guys are awesome. One day, I shall find some pictures of us when we were small, and compare to our pictures now. It'll be a great laugh.

Anyway, had dinner at Pizza Hut. We had the whole upstairs to ourselves. Heh. Chatted and ate til it was around 9 something. Sent Yoke Lin home after that, cause she wasn't feeling so well. Hope you're better now. =) Then, went home with Kim and Hel. Kim left around 11. Hel waited til 1 something. And, guess what? Around 12, if I'm not mistaken, I started having a terrible headache. And, I was drop-dead tired cause there was merentas desa that morning. Ugh. I'm such a terrible person. Instead of entertaining Hel, I fell asleep for a few minutes. At least I think I did. I don't remember much, so I must've been sleeping like a pig. Sorry Hel. =(

Then, chatted with mum til 4am. Yeah, 4am. Unbelievable. Mum forgotten the time I guess. When she looked at the clock, she was like 'go sleep now! so late already. sure cannot wake up in the morning.' Hah. It's already morning laa mum.

Nothing much to say. Words can't really describe how I felt that night. So much running through my brains, yet I can't find enough words to type. Still, it was awesome. I'm really really grateful for having such amazing friends. Thanks you all, for everything. Hopefully, 10 years from now, we'll still be the same crazy bunch. I love you. Glo..why you didn't come laa..We seriously missed you so much. =(

Homework's piling up. I haven't finished my theory and school work AND add maths tuition work yet. Gosh.

-Nic-

Dead Tired

It's already the 3rd week of school. Wow. Didn't I just celebrate Christmas yesterday? Sighs. Tomorrow's Friday, which marks the end of the school week. I tend to get excited now whenever I remember that the next day is a Friday. Why?

1) After Friday, it's Saturday.

2) Choir!

3) I get to go out longer.

Three good reasons. Hah. Anyway, merentas desa this Saturday. I've finally decided that I want to run. Run, as in, really run. Not run then walk all the way back. I know I'm not a good runner, but still, I think that I'll make it back JOGGING laa. After the past few months of practicing my Demi and Waltz at home AND in the studio, my stamina should have at least built up by 2%, right? Crap.

Been dead tired these days. I was 1/3 awake during Chem tuition yesterday. Can't help it. 4-5.30 Physics, then followed by Chem til 7pm. 3 freaking hours la weih. Even my teacher kinda got annoyed because I wasn't really paying attention to her, especially during Chem. Sighs.

Homeworks piling up. Sighs.

-Nic-

Hell.

"Akan menghadap ke kanan, ke kanan pusing!"

"Akan menghadap ke kiri, ke belakang pusing!"

"Baris! Hentak kaki, hentak!!"

"Do you think your marching was good?! DO YOU THINK YOUR MARCHING WAS GOOD?!"

"Another 40 hentakans!"

"Add another 20 hentakans!"

-im so sick of it now-

And it goes on and on and on. Why did I insist on joining St John back then in form 1? I don't really remember. I remember Meera asking me to join scouts with her, but I insisted on joining St John. In the end she agreed, only to quit a year later. =.= And, so many people quitting. I'm still joining. Why? Cause I feel like it's a waste if I quit now. I've already survived the first 3 years, another 2 years wouldn't hurt, right? But you know what? It does. Physically and mentally. Now I know why my left arm hurts so much, though I don't know why only my left arm hurts and not both arms. Now I know why my feet aches, especially almost every weekend, which totally ruined my mood to shop for hours. Now I know why my hair feels and smells like burnt seaweed. Now I know why I've gotten tanner compared to when I first came to Seafield. Why? The MARCHING. Yes. Stupid marching. If I'm not mistaken, I insisted on joining St John back then cause I was really interested in first aid and crap. I actually thought that St John teaches more instead of marching. I thought that was the scouts. Yeah, maybe that's why I didn't want to join. Now, I feel like a total idiot. Going there every Saturday only to get shouted at. Going there every Saturday only to march like there's no tomorrow. Going there every Saturday for first aid classes (which are like, maybe 1 out of 5 times) when my interest in first aid is no longer there. Why do I still go? Cause I passed 2 freaking first aid exams and I've already bought all the uniform and crap. Also, mum would most probably disagree if I told her I want to join Bomba, cause I've wasted 3 years in St John and if I join Bomba, I'll have to buy all those crap again and waste more time and money. And, most of my friends have already quit a long time ago, not that I have many friends there, but still, ugh. Just 2 more years, and it'll be over. If I'm going to form 6, hell, I'll not join them anymore. And, I'm gonna make sure that Nad makes the right chice next year so that she doesn't have to regret or get stuck in between like how I am now.

After marching for what seemed like eternity, checked the time during one of the water breaks. It was only 8.14am wtf. It wasn't even one hour yet after so long. Ugh. Around 9am we went into one of the class rooms to study our first aid, like FINALLY. Then, before class ended, choir members left the room for, well, choir. *smiles* It's great to see all those juniors who are so full of enthusiasm. Had audition after that. I was in group 9. I was so nervous that I forgotten that I have to look at the coach during the audition. Instead, I was looking at the Vi Jia 90% of the time. The other 10%? 7% looking at Mabel, 3% looking at the coach. That was when I suddenly remembered that I should be singing to them too. Audition finished real soon. Too soon, in fact. Cuase I came out jumping like an idiot. I know, stupid. But I was freaking nervous la kay. Didn't practise for 2 months, and after less than 5 meetings then want to go audition. If I was still in form 1 I probably wouldn't do that, cause I was still kinda cowardly last time. Still, being out of that room away from all the tension just made me feel so happy. Those jumps and short runs were nothing compared to what I would have done if there wasn't so many eyes staring at me like I'm some lunatic who just escaped from Tanjung Rambutan and ran all the way here to Seafield. Came home and jumped and laughed a lil more, cause there won't be any more auditions in a while. I hope. Still, hah.

Oh yea, mum transformed our Christmas tree into a CNY tree. It's beautiful. Why can't I be more artistic like her?? Sighs. Anyway, going to sunway later. It's been a while since I last went there. =)

-Nic-

Rust.

It's already 2 weeks. Wow. Can't wait for the holidays. Heh. So, 2 weeks of school, and I'm already falling back on my homeworks. What a lousy student I am. Anyway, I just remembered why I hate going for tuitions. Homework. As if school work isn't enough, going for tuition means there'll be tuition work too. That was why I didn't want to go for tuitions in the first place. But, since my Physics teacher's secretly plotting to destroy our lives by making us fail our exams under her hands, I have no choice. And, also to stay in choir, cause mum's evil too. Ugh.

Practise started last week. There's more and more new members coming in, which is kinda a good-and-bad thing. Hard to explain. Stupid left arm's aching like hell, my eyes are burning and I have no idea why. Must be the weather. I hate it when my eyes get super dry. It's so irritating that I'll have to rub it, and when I rub it, gone case.

Off to piano now. Fingers are super rusty. It'll be a miracle if I survive tonights lesson. Sighs.

-Nic-

Diviasion.

Word of the day: DIVIASION
Meaning: To divide. Refer to Division.

Yep. That's what our Physics teacher said in class today. DiviAsion. Seriously. How is it possible that there people are allowed to teach? For 2 whole stinking periods I had no idea what was she crapping about. I couldn't even understand what she wanted us to do for our homework. I really need that tuition now. I have an alien who doesn't speak my language teaching me. I'm so gonna flunk. Starting tuition tomorrow. Sighs. Good thing is, it's very very very near my house.

Off to eat my durian. =)

-Nic-

Lazyass.

Mum's really serious about the tuition thing. So, yeah. I'm gonna start my tuition soon. Most probably going to Pusat Tuisyen Akademik in ss14. Anyone going there? I don't really like being in certain places alone without having any friends. Mum sorta forced me to go. "If you insist on joining choir, then you have to go for tuition". Yeah. That's the price I have to pay since I INSIST on joining choir again this year. Sighs.

Seeing all the new juniors that day made me feel so...OLD. I mean, I was once one of them. I used to be like them, the new kid in school, in clubs, practically everything. Being a form 4 student now, and looking at those form 1 students, it's like, wow, it's been 3 years already since I first stepped into Seafield? My fourth year now, another 2 or 3.5 years til I leave the school.

I'm starting to get lazy again. I'll pack my bag, put my homeworks on the table, and stare at them. Yeah. Lazyass here. I wanna watch tv now.

-Nic-

Police?

So, our sivik teacher asked us the other what our 'hala tuju jangka pendek dan panjang' was. Something to do with our aim and stuff. The whole class was talking and thinking bout theirs, while I just sat there blabbing out dumb ideas. Seriously. I had no idea what my aim is. We didn't really know what our aim is, but I was the most clueless one there. At least everyone had a rough idea of what they want. What do I want? Don't know. Teacher wouldn't let us use 'good results for SPM' cause the first 2 students have already said that. We then decided on O/A levels (i forgot), good university, good college, after which some of them couldn't be used because other people used it already for a few times. When it was my turn, I just blabbed out 'Short term, I hope to get at least a B for St. John. Long term, I want to be a musician.' Yeah, way to go nic. Musician? a B? Okay, maybe the B wasn't that bad. I got a C last year cause I wasn't that active. But I had my own reasons laa. But still, I couldn't think of any short term aim I want. What do I want? I want to be able to drive, I guess. What do I really want in the future? I have no idea. You know, it's kinda funny now when I look back at my report card back then in primary. Wonder why? Take a look.


2001 - Doctor, Teacher, Police
2002- Doctor, Police, Teacher
2003- Scientist, Teacher, Doctor
2004- Doctor, Singer, Scientist
2005- Doctor, Singer, Scientist
2006- Doctor, Singer, Nurse


Forget bout the police thing. I don't even remember why I wanted to be a police when I was in std 1 and 2. I can't imagine myself as a police in the future now. Being a scientist seemed kinda fun to me back then. Cause I thought that mixing chemicals into a few bottles and making the whole lab explode was fun. I didn't know that there was so many stuff to remember back then. I didn't even know what was a beaker for goodness sake. And, I guess my teachers kinda inspired me to be like them. Especially my std 2 teacher. She made scolding and humiliating other students seem so easy. Not that I want to be a bully like her, I just didn't want to get BULLIED. Yeah, I was kinda a bully victim. Scratch that. Then, the idea of being a singer came into my head because I watched too much MTV. And, my kakak always talked to me about other singers, especially Akon. She loved his voice, but I don't. I didn't like his voice back then, and I still don't like it now. Yeah, sure, there's something about his voice that when you hear it, you'll know it's him immediately. But that doesn't mean you have to like him cause of that, right? I mean, I can recognise almost any artists' voice when I hear it, doesn't mean I like all of them. Though I love Taylor Swift. She's awesome. Anyway, the one that I never changed was being a doctor. It was always my first choice, except in std 3 cause I really wanted to blow up a lab. Stupid. Yes, I know. I was a stupid 9-year-old who watched too much cartoons and crazy shows like Mr. Bean. Now I know why my mum doesn't like us watching it. (yup, she banned us from watching that show cause she thinks he's an idiot, though he's a prof.)

Me and my stupid ideas. But then, if I had something in mind when I was still a kid, shouldn't I have something to aim for now that I'm older? I mean, my brain should be growing maturely and have a better sense in making decisions, right? Then why am I still so lost? Even my sister already knows what she wants to be. Ugh. I hate my brain, sometimes, when it doesn't function nicely.

Science's killing me. I'm starting to get lost, ALREADY. And, I'm freaking tired. I almost couldn't wake up this morning. Thank goodness the morning prayers were loud enough to wake me up. I'm hungry. Off to hunt for food. Heh.

-Nic-

School.

School's already started. Waking up around 5.30 to 6am now. Alarm rings at 5.15am, I'll put it on snooze until I feel like waking up, which is usually 30 minutes later. Heh. Anyway, I'm no more a D class student. In primary, 1D-6D, secondary, 1D, 2D and the last one, 3D. This year, I'm in Fasih. I miss my old D. Sobs. So, I already have some homeworks to do, I don't really understand some of the stuff on my textbook. And, I have like, 3 people in class that are near to me to talk to most of the time in class, and another one wayyyy far at the other side of the class, which sums up to only 4 people. So, that obviously shows how my last 2 years (maybe) in high school's gonna be. Sighs. I miss my old classmates.

No more late night movies, no more sleeping like a pig and waking up around noon. Sighs. Maybe I shouldn't have been so lazy during the hols. By the way, did I mention that I had the same freaky nightmare again on Sunday night? No? Some of you should know. Every year, right before school reopens, I'll have this weird dream. It's just so..weird. It's like, one minute, I'm in school, in my PAJAMAS. Then, I'll run around the school corridors, and then, I'll be in a huge toilet, like those Tapah resthouse toilets. And then, after walking in there for a while, I'm suddenly in class with my school uniform and my schoolbag. And then, I'll be walking in my house up the stairs, and when I look up, I'll see J there running around. It's always him running there. In fact, it's almost always the same students at the same place doing the same things every year in the same dream. The only thing that changed is SMK Seafield is now part of my dream, cause I'm studying there. In another few years, I'll probably dream of Lick Hung, Seafield and whatever school I'm going to. IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME. My goodness. It's like my brain saved this dream for every year before school starts. Ugh. Freaky. There's actually more of the dream, but I'm really lazy to type it out here. If you really want to know what kind of freak am I who dreams of such weird stuff every year, just ask me. It's easier for me to TALK.

I'm off to sleep now. I look like a zombie every morning. Sighs.

-Nic-