.

I'm really starting to have second thoughts in probably every single decision I've made now. Like, seriously. What in the world was I thinking when I picked up the pen and wrote on that paper and signed my name and handed it in? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I don't have any of those qualities in me. Why did I do it? Thinking now, did I make the right decision? Looking at them, I feel so useless. Why can't I be more like them? I can talk and communicate with my friends, but why is it so hard for me to talk to others? They ARE my friends too, but, there's just that feeling in me that makes me feel so nervous and shaky. I thought that I could do it. I really thought that I could. I mean, I've tried it before. Those little kids were so easy and I had no stress at all with them though they sometimes don't understand what I say. But, they're just kids. It's okay if they don't understand. Piano is harder, right? There's the fingerings and all to learn. Then why do I have little problem with them but such a huge problem with what I'm supposed to do now? I'm not really doing anything and I feel stressed. Yes. STRESSED. Why? I don't know. I'm not doing anything. I'm just the stupid one who can't seem to do anything right. Then WHY AM I STRESSING OUT??? I have no freaking reasons to feel stressed. Each time I'm told to do something, I'll end up not doing it because they are so much more better at it that I am. Really. I look up to them alot. I really admire their courage and all. Ever since form 1, they've been like role models to me. It's like they've been born to do all those stuff. They've accomplished so many things. I'm already form 4, and what have I accomplished through these years? Nothing. Nothing at all. I feel so useless. Really. If I can't even trust myself, how can I expect others to trust me? Where the hell did all my confidence go? I seriously don't feel confident at all talking to everyone. It's like, ugh. I've never been so insecure and worried about my words after such a long time. Why must it happen now? Of all the time to lose my confidence and boldness, WHY NOW? Now, when I need it the most? I've already tried my best to forget about what happened in the past, and I did it. I made it. But, ever since then, I've been really careful with almost every single word that comes out of my mouth, because I don't want history to repeat again. I've already hurt one person so deeply because of my big mouth, and I don't want to do it again. I've been really careful. But, being careful doesn't mean I can't be the old happy me. Doesn't mean I can't be talkative and crazy and fun. I used to be, and I still am. But, why do I feel like it's slowly sinking away? I keep remembering the same stupid incident. UGH.

It's like I'm starting to isolate myself again. WHY? Where the hell did the person in me go? God. Where are those stars when I need them?

-Nic-